Precious Reflections

This evening I was carrying Sammy in from the backyard to get him ready for bed, just like I do every day. Only this time I happened to catch my reflection in the glass of the back door.  We don’t usually see ourselves living our lives, taking care of others, working hard and I have to admit, I was kind of taken aback by our reflection there in that dusty, dirty glass.  It amazed me.

He was hugging me tight, like a little monkey holding onto his mama.  His head was nestled against mine.  He was completely relaxed and snuggled into me.  And I thought, “Is this what I look like?  Holding my kids?  Taking care of them?”  My hair was messy.  My spare tire was visible like usual even though I try to hide it.  But that’s not what I was looking at.  I was looking at him trusting me.

I don’t know how many times my husband or family or friends have told me I don’t recognize the good I do for my family.  How much I give to them.  How devoted I am to them.  How I don’t see how much they love me and need me.  And I agree.  I don’t.  I usually see my mistakes.  I see how frustrated I get and how I raise my voice even though I am trying so hard not to.  I recognize my short comings on those long days when I can’t seem to get the kids to bed without a fight.

I see myself as the kid with the lowest grade in the “Mommy Class.”  It’s ridiculous.  Because deep down I know they are right.  I know I’m a good mom.  But it’s just hard to believe sometimes, that you could mean that much to someone, when you’re in your own head and you know your own faults.  And it’s hard to feel proud for doing a good job on something you should be doing anyway.  You feel silly giving yourself props for doing what should be done.  But we should!

Because seeing Sammy there with me, wanting to be in my arms, was such a perfect picture of why I do what I do.  I know that even with all my mistakes and the mess I might be some days, I love my kids better than anyone else ever could.  So I AM the best person to teach them, take care of them, hold them and tuck them in each night.  What we have is precious.  I saw that today, in a passing moment that I will remember long after he grows up and moves on to become whatever he wants to be. 

My greatest wish for my children is that they see themselves the way I see them.  The way God sees them – with all of the admiration, love, and endless forgiveness a parent has for their child.  If I want to teach them to see themselves that way, I will start by seeing myself that way.

‘Till Tomorrow!  Luv, Eva

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