Here’s a little video to serve as an introduction to Feel Christ Close, the new name for my site with a tighter focus on sharing hope in Christ! ☀️It’s OK if we’re not always happy, confident or at peace. Christ is there for us in the storms too. ⛅️He will come to us, mourn with us, and calm the waves…eventually, as we trust in him and lean on his love. Learning how you #feelhimclose is essential to make it through this life’s journey with real hope. 💡I’ve felt his power again and again on my good days so I can remember those moments on my hardest days. When I feel Christ close, I can get through anything.
I’m so grateful for a God that doesn’t need perfection now. ❤️Who loves me where I’m at and teaches me to do the same for myself and others. 🤟We can do all things through Christ when we are close to him and feel his restorative power in us. So turn to him, cleave unto him and find ways to invite him into your life more. That’s the only way to feel lasting hope and peace. 🥲 I’m excited for this more focused journey of coming unto Christ. I hope we can learn from each other and #comeuntohim as we feel Christ close a little bit more each day.
“Live each day like you would if it’s your last.” I unexpectedly came across this message from my “graduated” father this morning. Going through the circus of resetting forgotten passwords to YouTube and my website (as I tried to rekindle my creative motivation to keep sharing uplifting songs and stories), I had to go to an old email account for a security code. It’s a season for organizing, refocusing and rebranding what my sharing is really meant to be, now that I’ve grown up a bit. But apparently I’m not too grownup as I can still use encouragement from my Dad.
Nothing like a looming milestone birthday (The big 40 this month!) to give you a deadline. As a stretched-thin, homeschooling, part-time working mom of three, time is a jigsaw puzzle where me-time rarely seems to fit. Add to that a serious case of perfectionism (at least wanting to create art in my own, perfect-to-me way), and it’s no wonder that a decade later most of my songs and stories have gone unpublished.
But I decided last month that July 1st, today, was going to be day one of writing again. I took a week off of work and emptied a corner of the attic for an office. I began sorting through bin after bin of mementos to find new places for what was in that corner of the attic. Then began all the figuring and refiguring of passwords to get back into sharing until I was back at old yahoo mail, a place my Dad and I had always connected, especially once his terminal illness took his speaking ability. For fun and to feel him close, I did a quick search of emails from Dad and clicked on one randomly. This is what it said…
Email from my Dad:
Hi girls, I’m not sure why, but this story touched me and I thought I should share it with you. I guess you never know when it will be over here on earth, so live each day like you would if it’s your last. Above all, be kind.
Love, Dad
Hearing Dad’s Rare Advice
Dad’s words came from an email where he shared the story of a bright, outgoing 16-year-old named Angela who was unexpectedly killed by a brain aneurism. It was rare for my dad to ever give advice, so this tender mercy of an email was rare in more than one way – the timing of clicking on it the day that I wanted to start motivational blogging again, and that it came at all. I’ve even had meaningful conversations with friends at work on getting messages from parents who passed on, so again, this advice today was uncanny. The words, “live each day like you would if it’s your last,” hit me hard.
The article was heartbreaking, yet beautiful, showing this girls’ zest for life and also her fears. This excerpt with a quote from her guardian and grandfather shows that:
Sometimes Angela worried a little about the example she felt expected to set, recalled her grandfather, Paul Shinn. “Once she looked at me and said: ‘I’m kind of a role model, aren’t I? I don’t know if I can handle that, Grandpa.’ ” He stopped to regain his composure. “I’m known around here as Angela’s grandpa – if that is the only thing I’m ever known for in my whole life, that’s OK.”
Tragedy takes promising teenager Cheerleader served as role model By Dorothy Korber — Bee Staff Writer Published 2:15 am PDT Friday, October 7, 2005
“Live Each Day as You Would If it’s Your Last”
This is the message I’ve needed for so long.
I’ve heard it in different ways…printed quotes I’ve come across from old planners (They’re scattered through the rest of this post.), General Conference messages (from The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints), and encouraging memes in my Instagram feed. However, the words from your own precious father can’t be matched. Those messages come with a force of love, a belief in you, a caution and compassion that seem to simultaneously hug you where you are and push you forward.
You feel like you CAN do what you need to because Dad believes in you.
You’ll make mistakes, you’ll be messy, but it’s OK.
Much needed quote from an old planner I found while cleaning this week.
Take the Lead and Keep Living
So, here I go again. Just like I fell off my bike and he helped me back up. Just like when my rough draft of my fifth grade report came back from him with red lines all over it and he smiled and said, “Don’t worry, it’s not as bad as you think,” I can hear him saying that to me know. Don’t worry. It’s not as bad as you think. You’re not as “late” as you think you are in this journey of adulthood. You’re music isn’t as bad as you think. You have been learning and growing all your life. It’s ok. Not a day was wasted. But don’t let yourself wait any longer. Get back up. Your words are worth the effort. Your songs are worth being sung. Your dreams are worth diving into because, ” you never know when it will be over here on earth.”
“Trust the timing of your life,” another much needed quote I found.
Thank you, Daddy, for continuing to parent me. Thank you, God, for giving me moments when I feel loved. Thank you, Jesus, for always keeping me close to you so I can recognize these moments in my life. They are powerful and needed. They share hope and give inspiration. The song that this moment inspired is below, in all its rawness. 🙂 I’ve also included that priceless email and article too. May it help us all remember: “Live each day like you would if it’s your last.”
One more much needed quote from an old planner I found while cleaning this week.
Article about Angela
Tragedy takes promising teenager Cheerleader served as role model By Dorothy Korber — Bee Staff Writer Published 2:15 am PDT Friday, October 7, 2005
Lovable and lovely, Angela Carland was a born cheerleader: happy, athletic, graceful. Just being with her cheered you up, her family and friends say.
But Angela was born with something else – a flaw that waited in silent ambush for 16 years. Last week, the El Dorado County teenager suffered a brain aneurism that left her in a coma until her death Thursday in a Sacramento hospital.
“How many hearts she has broken, how many hearts she has left behind,” said her grandmother, Joyce Shinn. Angela and her little sister, 13-year-old Brittney, lived with their grandparents on a 10-acre horse ranch in Pleasant Valley, outside Placerville.
Angela’s own heart will beat on, however, since the teen had requested – with no hint then of her own mortality – that her organs be donated to give new life to others.
Angela collapsed Sept. 29 during classes at El Dorado High School, Shinn said. She was a junior at El Dorado, on the varsity cheer squad, captain of the dance team, student body treasurer.
She had suffered a blow to the head the day before at cheerleading practice, but her grandmother said that injury apparently had no relationship to the massive stroke she suffered the next day.
“The doctors told me that it was not the result of any accident; it was a brain aneurysm she was born with, a birth defect that finally did its damage,” Shinn said. “She could have passed on at 5 or 55 or 105. They said there was no way to know it was there, and it could happen to any of us.”
Joyce Shinn, 65, is a special education teacher at El Dorado High, but she was off campus at a meeting when the phone call came: Go to the hospital. Her husband, getting the same message, assumed it was his wife who was stricken, not his lively granddaughter.
The unconscious girl was stabilized at Marshall Medical Center in Placerville and then transported to Sutter General Hospital in Sacramento. After brain surgery that evening, the surgeon gave the Shinns the bad news.
There was no chance for recovery. “When they told me how extensive the damage was, we as a family agreed that we would not allow her to stay on life support for long,” her grandmother said. “That was a wish she had expressed to us. Also that she wished to be an organ donor.”
The day after Angela’s collapse, El Dorado High played its annual football game against archrival Ponderosa High of Shingle Springs. A single rose was placed at Angela’s spot on the cheerleading squad.
The raucous crowd stilled for a moment of silence in her honor, said her friend Emily Martin, who had been a cheerleader with Angela since their days as kids on Pop Warner squads.
“She was amazing,” said Martin, who graduated from El Dorado High last spring. “She was a beautiful person – absolutely gorgeous and with the most amazing heart. Ever since I’ve known her, she always lent a hand to anyone who needed it. She was very giving – and she had the passion to cheer.”
Sometimes Angela worried a little about the example she felt expected to set, recalled her grandfather, Paul Shinn. “Once she looked at me and said: ‘I’m kind of a role model, aren’t I? I don’t know if I can handle that, Grandpa.’ ” He stopped to regain his composure. “I’m known around here as Angela’s grandpa – if that is the only thing I’m ever known for in my whole life, that’s OK.”
Angela was raised by her grandparents after the death of her mother. Angela’s father, William Carland, lives in Nevada.
Shinn remembered his last conversation with Angela, the night before she collapsed. She was giddy with delight, telling him that she had a date for homecoming with “the hottest guy in school! He’s hotter than Brad Pitt!”
Homecoming will happen without Angela Carland this year. But the big Percheron horses she loved will be there, her grandfather promised, pulling a wagon filled with her photographs.
Thursday afternoon, as the Shinns spoke about their adored granddaughter, Angela’s organs were being harvested. That gave them some comfort in a bleak time.
“They’ll use her heart,” said Paul Shinn. “I hope I can meet the recipient, who I will tell about this girl, what she meant to us, how she loved life. This is so important to us. Angela’s life has to count for something.”
Angela, I’m sure your life did and has counted for something. You’ve affected me when I first received this email and again, today. Now to follow your example, Dad’s rare advice, and the songs heaven’s put in me that I have to share.
Sunrises are proof that beauty and inspiration can come from the dark. Even though there’s been good times too, I’ve been in a bit of a funk this fall. I’ve doubted my purpose and my place in my home, life and universe. Things that were recently bright and clear felt muted…or almost silent.
What did I do? I just “kept swimming” the best I could at a different speed. For the most part, I allowed my self to cut the extras and keep the essentials – religion, relationships, real food (as much as I felt I could) and rest.
And you know what? Between the frustration and emotional aching, eventually, I felt some warmth. Then enough warmth to feel a little joy. Then a little more motivation. And some determination which led to doing some adulting things, which I allowed myself to be proud of – yes, we can and should pat ourselves on the back!
Tough moments still came, but I was handling them without denial or despair.
Then this morning, the light rose. I mean that I got out of bed with a smile on my face and hope burning in my heart. And after happily and deliberately doing some of my kids’ chores (What?! 🙂 I know, right?!) I witnessed half of my house get flooded with this stunning, fiery lavender warmth of sunlight. And it felt like the universe was welcoming me back to life.
I keep feeling like the good vibes are here to stay and then shrinking and hiding from that thought because I know now they won’t always. They can’t always. Which makes me not want to enjoy them now either. In fact, in recent years, I’ve allowed myself to feel like a failure because I had encouraged healing that isn’t necessarily possible for everyone right now. My mental health was flourishing but I knew the case wasn’t true for many of my close friends and family, no matter how hard I tried to help them. So I didn’t want to allow myself to feel those joys either. How could I if I couldn’t share them with the people I loved?
Today what I understand (again – it’s something I must remind myself of often) is that focusing on what I can’t do brings discouragement and darkness, the opposite of God’s light. Doing what I can do brings His light into this world. It’s not my job to heal everyone or even make them happy or hopeful. My life’s mission is just to share hope. That’s it. I’ve accepted that sharing hope is accomplished whether or not people are in a place or season to receive it. Just as the sun shines whether or not people wake up to see it or are in the side of the world where they can, it shines anyway.
We are all on our own journeys with the Master. Isn’t that great? It means that if our hope or light isn’t for someone, it’s ok because HE still walks with them. And though we may love others so deeply it hurts, if we can’t reach them it will be ok in the end. For me, that thought makes things OK right now too. God’s life-giving light shines on all so, eventually, their sunrise will come too.
But I can’t stop shining because I’m waiting for that to happen. None of us can if we want to feel better and make this world brighter. Rise anyway. Shine whatever light you have anyway. If your heart feels dark, move at whatever speed you can until you can warm up that soul-light again. That’s faith! Just keep believing it will turn back on and doing the essentials (not the Pinterest projects or other pretend “needs,” ok?) because when it does return your joy WILL be so much greater.
Your spirit’s sunrise will be worth the past season of darkness because its colors will be all the richer for the challenges you faced. The complexity of trials, humility and obedience brings a unique beauty we could never have designed or anticipated, but eventually, with God’s vision and strength, we can see Him in us, glowing with a love and light that’s eternal. We will be found shining with the light of Christ’s hope.
Sunrises DO come after darkness. Believe you have a beautiful one just behind that mountain.
Isn’t it incredible that even if we don’t have what we long for, heaven does all it can to bless us with POWER according to our pure desires? ♥️
I love the truth that the powers of heaven can be close around me according to my faith, and not because I’m perfect or more special than anyone else – we all can have that blessing because God loves us! ☺️ Maybe I can’t receive a physical hug from my Dad but I’ve felt angelic impressions that he was near. We don’t always have the peace or order I long for in my home, but there are miracle moments when we have more than I would have expected.
This is reality for a lot of us. Feeling incredibly “blessed” like my shirt says one moment and discouraged and depleted the next, sometimes for days at a time. This is what it’s like when there are heavy, ongoing challenges in life but also overwhelming goodness around us and on the horizon.
As we wrote our annual goals (AKA gift to Jesus) this year and I pondered what I could do better or give up to be more like him, something heavy hit me. Hard. For years I have struggled to do what I need to do. I’ve written entire books while I’ve distracted myself from my bigger purpose. I’ve lost weight and gained weight. I’ve read. Written and rewritten song. I’ve taught, danced, conducted, and cuddled…which are some very good things, but not THE THING.
